


Lavender and cigarettes

by Writers_blocck45



Category: SCP Foundation
Genre: Alcohol, F/M, Female Reader, I'm kind of making this up as I'm going along, Masturbation, Morally grey stuff, Scp-049 x reader, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, What do you expect this is the foundation we're talking about, probably will include more scps, some original characters - Freeform, sort of slow burn?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:20:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24933634
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Writers_blocck45/pseuds/Writers_blocck45
Summary: (y/n), a psychologist at the foundation, is tasked with researching and interviewing scp-049. As they begin to grow close, she must let go of people from her past and learn how to move on.Warnings:Mentions of suicide, possibly some graphic scenes, toxic relationships, alcohol, swearing? , smoking, morality I suppose, there's probably going to be some smut at some point
Relationships: Original Male Character/Reader, SCP-049 (SCP Foundation)/Reader
Comments: 23
Kudos: 71





	1. A little backstory

**Author's Note:**

> Hey so, here is this thing I wrote. Idk what I'm doing, I haven't written anything in so long. I may be a bit rusty so bear with me. Warnings are in the summary. I'll probably update this once or twice a week

The cool air brushed against her skin as she opened the door to her apartment building stairwell. It had been a long hard day. She fumbled with her keys as she trudged up the concrete steps. (y/n) had moved into her apartment about 2 months ago, shortly after breaking up with her ex. It was expensive but she didn't have much choice. It was the closest to work she could get, and even then it was a 30 minute walk to the train station, an hour long train journey and a 25 minute walk to the foundation. She didn't mind, she'd do anything to make sure she didn't have to live there.  
She finally reached her floor and walked over to her door, unlocking it. Flipping the light switch on the wall, she let out a heavy sigh. It was a modest apartment. A bedroom, a bathroom and a dining and sitting room combined with a kitchen. It was a small apartment for the price but it had a balcony which was probably what bumped up the price. (y/n) collapsed onto her couch, closing her eyes and taking a deep breath. She stayed there for a while, trying to relax. After a minute or two she groaned and stood up, knowing she had a hell of a lot of work to do and it was already 25 past 9.

(y/n) looked at the clock, 1:42am. She'd spent so long documenting her findings and reading her new "patient"s file that she'd lost track of time. She rubbed her tired eyes, shut down her laptop and gathered her notes. She walked through to her bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. She winced looking at the dark circles under her slightly bloodshot eyes. She was so fucking tired. What she needed right now was a nice warm shower.

She sighed and smiled slightly, closing her eyes as the hot water ran down her back. (y/n) had been working at the foundation for about 4 months now. It was the sort of souless, life-draining job that people keep saying is just temporary but get stuck in for their whole life. She hadn't meant to start working there. She was originally a psychologist. She was researching cases of mass hysteria and had come across a small town where there had been multiple reports of people committing suicide after visiting an abandoned building in the area. Upon investigation, the abandoned building appeared to be a old mental hospital that looked to have been made in the mid 60s however, there appeared to be no records of a facility like being built or run in the area. No one knew where it came from or when it appeared. The first account of it was in the late 90s when a group of five teens had gone to the building to explore. Two of the five teens had later ended their life after saying people had spoken to them in the building and another one, Peony Davis, had gone missing shortly afterwards. Someone had been arrested for the murder of Davis yet there was very little evidence to convict them and the body was never found. The surviving two had insisted she had gone back to the building. When asked why, they both said the same thing. They claimed they felt the need to go back there, like they would be safe there or like they need to help the past residents of the facility. A total of 42 people had ended up dead or missing in 30 years. (y/n) had assumed it was a case of mass hysteria and people making connections that weren't there, until she investigated further. One of the residents had files they collected when they visited the building. His friend who went there had gone missing a week and a half after their trip. After looking for the names in any form of official birth records, she found that these people hadn't appeared to have existed. She couldn't find a matching birth record anywhere. She tried to pass it off as just a weird occurance. Perhaps they were born in a another country or state, but she couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. People had also reported that any photos taken there appeared grainy and blurry, after being there for over an hour some people would suddenly feel incredibly sick and feel as though they were about to vomit and even in summer the entire place was noticeably cooler than it was outside. She'd become fascinated, almost obsessed with the building, desperate to find a logical explanation for things. 

It wasn't long before the foundation had arrived. They began investigating the building and interviewing witnesses. They'd taken her files saying there was "confidential patient information" that needed to be disposed of. She was interviewed shortly afterwards and explained to them what she'd found, her theories surrounding what had happened and her past work. She must've gotten things uncomfortably accurate as they had offered her the choice between and amnesiac or a job. She'd been suprised at first, and a little cautious of their offer since she'd never done any work into anomalies before, hell, if someone have've asked her about it a month or two before she wouldn't have believed them at all. She figured it was probably run by someone with a lot of money, very little sense and an obsession for the "supernatural". Curious and bored with life, she'd accepted the job offer. It wasn't until she had gone to the foundation for the first time that she realised what she'd gotten herself into.

At first she'd been working as a psychologist in the facility, talking to staff members that had been interacting with the more distressing or manipulative scps. Soon after she started working, a bunch of staff members had gone on strike due to the unsafe working conditions, the several human rights violations and the other morally questionable actions of the foundation. They were of course, "dealt with" in various ways. Due to this, she was moved to work with some of the more humanoid and cooperative scps. It was mostly asking questions and trying to find out what made them the way that they are but sometimes she was tasked with calming them down when they were upset or stressed for whatever reason. Some of the stuff that they'd told her made her want to quit. Sometimes she'd be talking to one of them about their past and they'd said something that stopped her from sleeping for days. She'd learnt to somewhat detach herself from them, try not to get attached or sympathise with them in any way but she couldn't help feeling bad for them. 

(y/n) opened her eyes again, god knows how long they'd been closed. She was now sat in her shower, knees tucked in underneath her chin. She must've been lost in her thoughts for a while. She just felt so drained. Gathering the last of her energy, she stood up slowly, her back aching and her limbs stiff. She began to wash herself, trying not to get distracted again. She sighed as she rinsed the shampoo out of her hair, it's lavender scent filling the air. Despite how tired she was, she knew that sleeping wouldn't be easy.


	2. The first meeting

It was 6:30am. (y/n) opened her eyes and groaned, staring at her wall. She was too tired to get out of bed immediately so she just had to lie there and listen to her screeching alarm. Her throat felt dry and her limbs were sore. She didn't want to deal with work but she knew she had to. She wanted to quit but somehow felt trapped. Letting out a sigh, she sat up, got out of bed and turned off her alarm. She opened her curtains and winced as the bright sunlight flooded into her room. Buttoning up her shirt and slipping on some trousers, she rubbed her eyes while walking through to her kitchen and began to make herself a coffee. Mornings weren't really her thing but she did enjoy sitting out on her balcony early in the morning with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. It just made things seem a little less shitty for a bit. Stepping onto the balcony, she smiled as the still cool air surrounded her. She sat down and opened her notebook to review her new patients notes. He was mostly cooperative with staff, claims to have originated from 15th century France, says he wants to rid the world of "the pestilence" and is capable of killing with just one touch. Wonderful. Y/n closed her notepad with a heavy sigh and sat back in her chair, dreading the day ahead of her.

The grey, lifeless foundation stood in front of  
(y/n). Despite the fact that she'd been walking in and out of the facility for months, today she just... Couldn't. Something was stopping her from moving. She felt terrified to enter the building but she couldn't leave either. She just stood there, paralized with fear. She couldn't quite name what she was scared of, it was just a feeling. Her mind was completely blank. She was just standing there, desperately trying to make out some sort of coherent though in a sea of random words and feelings. After a couple of minutes, she closed her eyes. What's the worst that could happen? Scp-049 rarely became aggressive and even if he did, being killed by him would be quick and painless. She wasn't scared of death. She supposed that should be rather concerning but it wasn't like she wanted to die either. She just thought that there was either a better place out there after death or nothingness, and if there was nothing she wouldn't exactly be able to care. Perhaps after working at this place she wouldn't be going to a better place... She frowned and pushed the thought out of her head. The last thing she needed before entering work was a morality crisis. No, that was for when she was sitting on the kitchen floor with a bottle of wine at 2am and promising herself she'd quit in the morning only to go back to work as if nothing happened. She took a deap breath and entered the facility.

"Good morning 049. My name is Dr. (L/n) and I'll be conducting your interviews from now on." she said upon entering scp-049's room. He was sat at his desk having been told about the interview ahead of time.  
"Good morning" he said politely. She sat down opposite him, making sure she was out of his reach.  
"Is there something wrong?" he sounded confused, almost concerned. She raised her eyebrow and opened her mouth to speak but he continued before she could answer.  
"It's just, you seem uneasy. You are perfectly welcome to use the table to take notes" ah.  
"I, uh, thank you for the offer 049 but due to your previous..." she paused briefly to think of the right word so as not to make things more uncomfortable "incident with Dr. Hamm, during interviews any foundation personnel are required to stay an appropriate distance from you for our safety."  
"Ah. Well that is... Understandable." She felt a pang of guilt in her stomach as she heard how upset he sounded. Was he capable of remorse? She'd read on his file that he'd expressed "remorse and frustration" after incidents involving staff but it was phrased in such a way that she didn't know if it was out of empathy or if he thought it was a mistake. The silence that followed was deafening. What a way to start an interview. She considered asking him how Dr. Hamm's death made him feel and whether he felt bad for the people he'd killed but she decided that it would probably make things more uncomfortable. Perhaps she would in a few weeks when she'd earned his trust.  
"Moving on" she muttered and cleared her throat.  
"How are you doing today?" she said, desperate to lighten the mood a little.  
"I'm quite alright thank you Dr. (L/N). How are you?" he replied, clearly still uncomfortable.  
"this isn't about me, but I'm good thanks." Perhaps being a little more casual would make him feel more comfortable.  
"So tell me a little about yourself. Do you have any early memories?" shit. In her experience, asking about someone's early life wasn't light conversation.  
"That is of little significance, but since you asked, none that I can recall." Right, this may be less depressing than she thought. No tragic back story of him being driven mad by someone he loved dying of a disease he didn't understand, no horrific irreversible curses, no troubled childhood that lead to a bizzare, twisted view of life. She supposed that perhaps it may still be a case, he was just not telling her or had subconsciously repressed that, but it seemed unlikely to not be able to recall anything.  
"so you just woke up one day with an urge to cure the world of this 'pestilence" she asked. After a pause he nodded  
"I suppose so"  
"are there more of you?" He looked confused and mildly offended at this. She mentally scolded herself for her clumsy wording.  
"Sorry, I meant to ask are you some sort of... Species? Perhaps part of an organisation or cult?"  
"A cult? Why my dear, I would never be involved with something like that. To my knowledge I am the only one of my kind" he stated. Right, she'd have to be a little more careful with what she said in future. Despite this he seemed a little more relaxed.  
"Is there a particular reason as to why you want to eradicate this disease?" she inquired in an attempt to keep the conversation going.  
"Why would I not wish to? The pestilence is humanity's greatest ailment. It corrupts everything is reaches and damages those around the infected. It should be in everyone's best interests to rid the world of it and I have made it my life's mission to help reach that goal." she smiled at how passionate he was about this. Sure, his only "cure" to this thing was to kill and zombify the patients but she'd give anything to be that enthusiastic about something. She supposed she just wanted a purpose and to feel happy. She pulled herself out of her thoughts and thought of another question. "a time and a place" she said to herself.  
"Is this disease infectious" he paused, thinking for a second.  
"of sorts" Well that was helpful. She made a note of it anyway.  
"What is your speciality Doctor? You ask very different questions to your colleagues" she looked up from her notes and smiled slightly  
"Is it that noticeable? I'm a psychologist. I'm mainly interested in what going on in your mind" She winced slightly at her awkward, rather dismissive sounding response.  
"Interesting. If I may ask, what made you want to become a psychologist?" he asked. She shifted slightly in her chair, trying to think of a good answer.  
"I suppose I'm just fascinated by how people work. What makes them think in certain ways and why they react in the ways they do. I've just always found it interesting." she smiled slightly. God, if only she'd just stuck to regular psychology. Hell, even working as a criminal psychologist would be better than this. Although, it wasn't too bad today. Scp-049's file reported people feeling uneasy around him, like something wasn't quite right, yet she felt weirdly reassured by his presence.  
"Forgive me for asking, but what made you want to work here? I imagine it's very different from any of your previous jobs"  
"In all honesty, I haven't a clue" she replied, laughing bitterly. (y/n) hoped he hadn't noticed it.

She walked down the halls of the foundation, having to stop every five or so minutes to unlock a door. It was a pain in the ass but it made her feel a little safer. If anything got out, there were countless locked doors protecting everyone. She thought back to the interview with 049. In a odd way she was sort of looking forward to their next meeting


	3. Poetry

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhh, sorry if this is poorly edited. I wrote it a while ago and edited it while drunk because I needed to get it out quickly

It had been about two weeks since (y/n)'s first interview with scp-049 and in an odd way she'd begun to grow rather fond of him. He was incredibly polite and sometimes even funny. He wasn't the kind of "person" to crack jokes constantly but he had an odd, rather dry sense of humour. Unfortunately, despite having three meetings a week with him, she hadn't learnt much about him. She'd learnt that his touch wasn't inherently deadly and that he had to make a conscious choice to kill someone. She'd also learnt that had felt some form of empathy after Dr. Hamm's death. However when it was brought up, he began to shut down, giving shorter responses and would quickly try to change the subject. She wanted to talk to him about it properly but figured it could wait. She was sat at her office desk writing up some notes when she heard a knock at the door.  
"come in" The man was tallish, wore small rectangular, thin rimmed glassed and had brown slightly greying hair from stress despite only being in his mid thirties. He entered the room and confidently walked over to (y/n)'s desk, taking a seat opposite her. (y/n) looked up at him and frowned.  
"what?" he said confused  
"You know you're supposed to ask before taking a seat" she said casually.  
"Oh fuck off, (y/n). You're my friend and besides you don't outrank me or anything, I can basically do whatever I want" he said, slightly sarcastic about the last point.  
"oh really?" she said raising an eyebrow at him.  
"yep. I can even..." his eyes darted around the room for a second.  
"knock over your pencil pot" he gently placed a finger on the side of her wire pencil pot. (y/n) gasped.  
"you would never!" she said in mock offence. He knocked over the pot. It landed on its side with a rather pathetic thud, the pencils sliding slightly over her desk.  
"I am shocked and ashamed at your actions Stephen" she said, trying not to smile.  
"as you should be. I am a dangerous criminal, You should lock me up and throw away the key for the safety of the world." He said in a sarcastic, almost bored tone. She chuckled slightly and put her pen down.  
"So Dr Collins, what was it that you came to see me about?" she put her elbows on her desk and laced her fingers together.  
"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Just thought I'd let you know that next month there's going to be a meeting to discuss whether or not scp-049 should be allowed to operate on D-class human specimens again since you're the head researcher on his case" She frowned, her smile quickly fading from her face.  
"I thought they'd stopped doing that entirely? Is he not happy with the animals we've been providing him? What's with the sudden change?"  
"No clue, it's probably because it's been a while since the last incident and there's been no issues with him for some time. Just tell him not to fuck up until then" he frowned looking at her still concerned expression.  
"what's wrong? Do you think he'll become more unpredictable or violent if given humans to work with"  
"Sort of, yes. It's mostly the... Moral aspect." she said with a sigh.  
"I know. Its tough but you know what this place is like. In the foundation's eyes in a necessary sacrafice." he paused briefly  
"I know you don't agree with it but unless you can think of a valid reason within a month or somehow convince 049 that he doesn't need human subjects to work on we don't really have a choice" he half smiled sadly, trying to express his sympathy.  
"It's going to be okay (y/n). I'd recommend just staying out of it entirely. If you don't get involved perhaps you won't feel as responsible" She sighed and nodded, putting her face in her hands. After moment, she let her hands fall lightly to her desk.  
"right. Thank you for letting me know" she said trying to sound genuine  
"no problem. I'll talk to you later if I have time" and with that, he left.

"so, 049, you've been rather" she didn't want to say 'well behaved' since that seemed a little... patronising. "helpful lately and we've been considering giving you a sort of reward for your compliance" (y/n) knew she'd have to tell him about the offer of human test subjects but now was not the time. She'd have to prepare herself for that. Besides, she didn't want to get his hopes up and have to tell him it was all for nothing if they decided against it.  
"Do you have any hobbies? Perhaps you'd like a chess set or music player or something"  
"what sort of music player?" he asked almost nervously  
"I'm not sure, any kind that you like. A radio, a record player, perhaps even a CD player or something. If you are asking about what sort of music, it can be whatever you prefer" did he listen to music? He didn't strike her as someone who would be passionate about music but you never know.  
"I don't mind I just..."he lowed his head slightly like he was embarrassed  
"Depsite the fact that I've been around for a while and have done and seen many things I often find it... Difficult to operate such things" he said rather quietly. She struggled not to laugh, not wanting him to be even more embarrassed or become irritable and violent. She wasn't sure why, but the thought of a big scary plague doctor struggling to turn on a CD player was hilarious. Of course it wasn't surprising that he wasn't an expert with technology, he was rather old. She often forgot quite how old he was, he had the voice and energy of someone around her age.  
"I can show you how to use it if you wish. And there's no need to be embarrassed about it, everyone struggles with technology sometimes"  
He seemed a little reassured by her offer.  
"what kind of music would you like?" she asked, interested in what his response would be  
"Anything you think I'd enjoy. As long as it isn't too loud or vexatious it should be fine."  
"alright then."  
"what are your hobbies, doctor?" he asked suddenly. She pause briefly, wondering whether she should answer. She figured there couldn't be much harm in it  
"I'm not too sure. I suppose I'm sort of fond of baking and gardening, sometimes reading" he seemed pleased at the reading part  
"what sort of things do you enjoy reading" he continued  
"I'm currently reading heart of darkness. I tried reading it when I was younger but I had a much sorter attention span then. Usually I quite like poetry or a good murder mystery" He seemed content with her answer, almost nodding in approval.  
"perhaps in our next interview you can bring some of your favourite poetry?" she thought for a second but then nodded.  
"okay then. You must promise not to do anything stupid until then though" she said in a suddenly rather serious tone.  
"of course not. Everything I do has a reason, Dr. (l/n), you just might not understand that" he stopped when he saw the disappointed look on her face "However for you, I promise I won't do anything you would disapprove of" He sort of froze after that, realising what he'd said. It wasn't a lie, he was following the rules for her, he just didn't mean for it to sound like that. He was slightly frustrated with himself for that slip up but figured she wouldn't think much of it. After all, it didn't mean much. He just didn't want to disrespect her trust in him.  
"thank you." she said, smiling and looking at him for a minute. It was nice to have someone that would change their behaviour so as not to upset her. If only Thomas did the same.  
"Right then, Let's continue" she announced suddenly, trying to distract herself.  
"may I ask if there are any visable symptoms of the pestilence?" He thought for a second before beginning to respond  
"Not at first. Often people are unable to tell what is and isn't a symptom. It affects the way the inflicted act. They become... Corrupted" she frowned. That wasn't exactly the response she was hoping for.  
"In what way is your 'cure' helping them" She began to panic after saying this. Whenever an interviewer had questioned his actions he'd become aggressive with them and had sometimes lost his temper.  
"It helps them as it saves them from themselves. They no longer think correctly. They are poisoned, tainted. They wish harm upon others. You may look upon my creations and think my work pointless due to their violence, but they are not violent out of mal-intent or for self gain. They are merely trying to help me with my work. You have been kind to me these past few weeks Dr.  
(l/n) but I will not allow for you to mock my efforts at eradicating this disease. It may not be a perfect cure, but it humanitys best hope for salvation." He said sharply.  
"My deapest apologies, 049. My intent was not to offend you, I was merely curious. In fact, I rather respect you. Despite the fact that I may not fully understand what you are working towards curing, I can see that you are very passionate about your work. I respect your dedication" The last thing she needed now was to loose his trust and have weeks of work be undone by a simple slip up. He stared at her for a few seconds. The sound of her own heartbeat seemed to drown everything else out as she began to panic again. She couldn't tell what he was thinking, he was just sat in silence. Was he more annoyed? Had she just unknowingly signed her own death certificate? Did he hate her? Her mind began to race with all the things that could go wro-  
"I uh, well I'm... Thank you miss- sorry Dr.(l/n). I'm glad you appreciate my efforts" he finally said, stumbling over his words. What he flustered? Had she managed to embarrass him with her compliment? She smiled at him  
"you're welcome" In an odd way, he was rather sweet when he was flustered. No, that's not what she needed to think about. She pushed the thought from her head. "come on (y/n), professional thoughts only" she thought to herself

Tossing her bag on the table and slumping into her chair, (y/n) sighed. Her phone buzzed. Thomas. He'd texted her on the train and, wanting to be polite and not thinking much of it, she'd started up a conversation with him. He was talking about how he had a brilliant new job now or some bullshit like that. She didn't care but pretended to be impressed. He'd always boast about something when they talked. First was the pity party, then the boasting and then he'd bring up something they used to to or somewhere they used to go together. He wouldn't mention their relationship, he'd just say he missed a certain place or used to enjoy something and say how he didn't do it or go there anymore. Apparently, his co workers had been spreading rumours about him at his previous job which probably meant that he'd fucked up and they were calling him out on his bullshit. Apparently he'd passed out with stress or something. He'd been talking about how he'd love to go back to this place near a river they used to go to together. She'd told him that he could always go on his own. It was exhausting dealing with him. They'd had an on and off relationship for the past three years. He'd break up with her because he had commitment issues or couldn't handle a relationship but would never do anything to change. A couple of months later when he was bored he'd start talking her again. Technically she had no proof that he was actually trying to get back with her this time, or that he was deliberately messing with her, but there was no way that he could be completely oblivious to how much it hurt her. Maybe it was just her fault, he wasn't trying to make her fall for him again, he'd just compliment her and pretend to show in interest in what she had to say. He wasn't a bad person, not really, they were just bad for each other. Sure, he'd cheated on her a couple of times but it was nothing "serious". Just a drunken kiss or a casual fling. Whenever she'd bring it up he'd dismiss it as nothing serious and make her feel bad for bringing it up. He probably didn't mean to make her feel guilty, it was just the way she felt. She'd always been scared of overreacting so usually she'd just keep her mouth shut. She checked her phone, wanting to finish the conversation so she could forget about it  
"it wouldn't be as fun on my own"  
Of course, he was prompting her to offer to go. She gave him a one word answer of "true" and put her head in her hands. It wasn't long before she got a response  
"do you want to go there at some point, it'd be nice to see you again" She knew she could just say no, but there was something stopping her. She agreed and closed her phone, not wanting to somehow make things worse. She put her head in her hands again and stayed there, like she was unable to move. She wanted to cry but couldn't, she just stared at the table through the gaps in her fingers. What was she doing? Why couldn't she just cut him off?


	4. Those cures were least effective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh, so me again. Just wanted to ask ya'll if you're still enjoying this. I just feel like my writing has gone downhill again. I'm still going to keep going with this mostly just because I want to finish it. Also just to let you know, if really appreciate any constructive criticism you have, I'm always looking to improve my writing style.

(y/n) groaned as she knocked her cup, spilling some of her coffee on the break room counter. She was half an hour late to work due to her train being delayed and despite the fact that she wouldn't be in trouble for that alone, she had an interview with 049 in 45 minutes which she wasn't prepared for and needed to speak to her supervisor Dr. Jenkins before then. It didn't help that she was already in a bad mood from her conversation with Thomas the previous night. She just couldn't be bothered with work that day but knew it was the best thing to do to distract her. She just needed to keep herself busy. She grabbed a handful of paper towels and frantically mopped up the spilled liquid. After this, she quickly put on her thermal mug's lid and hurried out the room, figuring she could get through at least three quarters of her coffee before the interview. She hurried through the corridors on the way to Dr. Jenkins' office, checking her watch and picking up the pace after realising she only had half an hour. She rounded a corner and came to a holt, breathing a sigh of relief as she saw her supervisor walking down the corridor. She walked over to him as he greeted her.

"Good morning Dr. (l/n), you seem like you're in a hurry today." he chuckled and she forced a grin in response, wanting him to stop talking so she could get this done as quickly as possible.  
"yes I am a bit, I've got an interview with scp-049 at quarter past 10." She said, making a point of letting him know that she didn't have much time to stop and chat.  
"I just needed to ask you something. I was wondering if you would give me permission to use the courtyard for scp-049?" he looked a little confused at this  
"Why would you need to use outdoor facilities for him? As far as I'm aware he's never expressed a desire to spend time outside nor does he need to."  
"I'm aware of this I was just thinking it might be some sort of incentive for him. Just something to encourage his cooperation" she asked hopefully. He frowned in a confused manner.  
"I thought they were going to give him human test subjects again. Shouldn't that be incentive enough?"  
"well, yes but I thought that its always an option. And besides, they haven't decided on it yet, its a good alternative if they don't." she said, praying he'd agree. She knew it wouldn't stop them from giving him D-classes. His experiments on them were almost as useful for the foundation as they were for him but it was worth a shot. And besides, everyone needs a little fresh air occasionally. After some thought Dr. Jenkins agreed. Thanking him, (y/n) turned on her heel and began to walk back down the hallway swiftly, cautious of time.

"Dr.(l/n), how are you today?" scp-049 asked as she entered the room.  
"I'm alright" she lied, sitting down. There was a minute or two of silence after this. She sighed heavily and rubbed her tired eyes with one hand.  
"let's go for a walk" she said standing up. 049 looked confused but followed her anyway.

She inhaled deaply, taking in the soft scent of freshly cut grass and wildflowers. She stopped for a second. The courtyard was situated in the centre of the facility and was mostly so staff could spend their lunch breaks outside without leaving the building, however it could also be booked out if an scp requested time outside and was stable enough for it to be safe. 049 seemed to perk up a bit, obviously excited by his surroundings and wanting to investigate whilst also trying to seem indifferent and calm. (y/n) smiled at his excitement, relieved that she'd made a good choice to bring him here. It wasn't a very interesting garden. There were a couple of smallish trees, some ivy growing up one wall and some wild flowers and well kept grassy areas. It wasn't anything special but he'd been locked in a room for so long that really any change of scenery would be exciting for him. Her smile quickly faded from her face and the guilt began to creep in again. 

She continued walking and lit up a cigarette. She probably wasn't supposed to but the foundation were busy and it was such a minor thing that they probably didn't have time to care about it. Scp-049 looked at her as she took a drag and closed her eyes, trying to push the feelings of guilt out of her mind until she could properly deal with them.  
"I didn't realise people still smoked?" he asked curiously.  
"hmm? Oh yeah. Sort of, some people still do but it's not encouraged. It's a terrible habit, don't pick it up" she said automatically. She was so used to telling people this that she'd not stopped to think that through. Could it damage him? Did he have lungs? Also, if he engaded in human behaviours like eating and drinking there's a strong chance that he'd have picked up the habit at some point when the dangers were less well known.  
"I did at one point. I rather miss it honestly. It used to be a very popular pastime." he gestured towards the cigarette in her hand. She frowned for a second before handing it to him  
"sure. But only occasionally" she said sternly, the last thing she needed was an already irritable scp developing a nicotine addiction. He took his time and seemed to be savoring it, almost like he wasn't interested in the smoke.

"they used to think that was a cure to the bubonic plague." she remembered the fact that he hadn't appeared to know what the plauge was so she continued  
"sorry, the plague was the illness that spread through Europe in the 14th century and again in London in the 16th century. We thought that was what you meant by the pestilence at first since it was also called that and you look similar to the plague doctors of the time. I'm suprised you didn't know anything about it." he didn't say anything. He enjoyed listening to her and had a feeling she had more to say on the subject. They found a bench and sat down on it  
"They had all sorts of batshit crazy cures. They used to percribe arsenic and Mercury and old treacle" she stopped suddenly  
"have you always used the same method of curing the pestilence?" she asked, concerned. Shit, what if she accidentally mocked one of his cures or something.  
"not always but I assure you, I have done none of these things before." He said laughing a little and handing the cigarette back to her. She breathed a sigh of relief  
"have you ever told someone to sit in a sewer?" she continued, smiling playfully at him  
"they did that?" she laughed at the alarm in his voice and nodded  
"yep. Here's one of my favourites. They'd get a live chicken, pluck it and rub it on the infected"  
"Actually I did use that method" she froze  
"what?"  
"I'm joking! Of course I wouldn't do that. That is completely ludicrous and I am insulted that you thought I would." he said in mock offense. She shook her head and rolled her eyes. That's probably when the bizzareness of the situation hit her. She was sat in a garden sharing a cigarette with a dangerous unexplained entity mocking 14th century plague cures. Jesus christ what was she doing with her life. Even stranger however, was the fact that she couldn't remember the last time she'd felt this happy.  
"You're surprisingly funny for someone so bloody old" she said, smirking.  
"I'm not sure if I should be flattered or insulted"  
"Oh it wasn't an insult, you've aged well. You don't look a day over 200" they sat in a sort of comfortable silence for a minute or two  
"I've never really had time to talk to people like this before" she could sense a sort of sadness in his voice, perhaps it was regret that he hadn't made time for the people around him  
"so you never had any friends or anything" she inquired  
"No, not particularly. I've been fond of people before and had acquaintances but never an actual friend before you" Her heart slipped a beat. She knew he trusted her to a certain extend and somewhat liked her but she never would've guessed that he thought of her as a friend, nor that she'd feel this way about it.  
She supposed it was just because she hadn't had many friends herself, and even the ones she did have rarely spoke to her.  
"You think of me as a friend?"  
"In a professional manner yes" she was a little disappointed at this but she really shouldn't be suprised. It would be weird if he thought of her as a close friend or just a general one. Still, it was better than nothing. She looked at her watch  
"right I've got a few more questions to ask you so why don't we head back inside" he looked a little disappointed but followed her anyway

"I've got you the record player by the way." she said, gesturing to the item which had been brought in while they were out. She got a few vinyls from her bag and handed them to him.  
"I wasn't sure what to give you but I thought you seemed like an opera guy to me. I've got you a couple to start off with" she handed them to him.  
"I've given you Madame Butterfly and Tannhauser. Tannhauser is probably one of my favourites but unfortunately the guy who wrote it was fucking awful." she said slightly uncomfortably. She realised how casual she'd been around him and remembered she'd cursed a few times.  
"sorry, I shouldn't swear infront of you" she sighed and rubbed the back of her neck awkwardly.  
"No need to apologise doctor. I won't collapse just because you're using profanities." he laughed lightly, reassuring her. She smiled at him before continuing  
"I also brought some of my favourite poetry." she handed him a small red hardback. It was old, the pages yellow and ripped in some places and the cover was worn down.  
"Edgar Allen Poe. I've always enjoyed his poetry. Although my favourite work by him is actually a short story" she stopped before continuing. Her favourite short story by him was The tell-tale heart and for some reason it seemed inappropriate to recommend that to 049. Perhaps because the character's mad ramblings were reminiscent of that of the doctor's.   
"and what would that be Dr.(l/n)" he asked expectantly. She bit her lip.  
"the tell-tale heart" she said, trying to sound calm about it so he wouldn't think anything of it.  
"Well, perhaps you could bring that in when I'm finished with this" He held the book up, shaking it a little to make his point clear.  
"Of course, only if it isn't too much trouble"  
She stopped for a couple of seconds before realising he probably wouldn't make a connection or think she'd done it deliberately to upset him. In his mind everything he did was completely logical.  
"Sure. I'll try and find a copy for you" he thanked her as she turned to leave.  
"oh one last thing" she stopped before opening the door.  
"I'll be off for two days, so your next interview will be on Friday" He nodded  
"If you don't mind me asking, is there a particular reason why?"  
"No, I'm just hoping to have a few days to relax and refresh myself. Despite you not causing me any issues, this job is rather stressful sometimes" she smiled slightly at him and then left the room.

"so how are things going with 049? Have you learned much?" Dr. Collins asked as sat down in the break room. She looked over her shoulder at him and continued to reheat the remainder of her coffee she'd abandoned before the meeting. There was only a quarter of it left but she couldn't be bothered to make a new cup.  
"Not really, but things are going well. I'm hoping to bring up the subject of Dr. Hamm again at some point." Stirring her coffee, she sat down opposite Steven  
"he's alright to talk to, sometimes he's even funny or sweet." She stopped and stared at the wall behind him before continuing.  
"I mean," she paused to take a sip of coffee  
"Aside from the superman and messiah complex he's got going on he's rather nice. I have a feeling there's probably some fear of abandonment in there somewhere, most likely because he's like 600 years old and has probably lost anyone he's become close with to old age or something." Steven chuckled and she frowned at him  
"Sorry, it's just bizzare how casually you talk about this" she shrugged  
"I suppose that's just what this job does to you"  
"I would be careful though, make sure you don't get too close to him" He warned to which she nodded. Now she thought about it, that might be something she had to watch out for.


	5. Heart to heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for not uploading on Friday. I wasn't really feeling like myself. I'm doing a little bit better now so here you go. It's sort of a long one so I hope it makes up for the missed upload. :)

The air was still warm as (y/n) stepped off the bus. It was 4:15pm and she'd agreed to meet Thomas by the river for a few drinks. She hadn't done much yesterday since both her friends had bailed on her last minute. This had upset her probably more than it should have, and due to her resulting loneliness she'd agreed to meet up with a few drinks with her ex the next day. She knew it was unhealthy but she had nothing better to do and had just told herself that it would just be one night out and a bit of light hearted conversation. 

It wasn't long before she arrived at the spot. Thomas was already there, waving at her as she got closer. They talked awkwardly for a while before sitting down. They were talking a little more and laughing a bit, but (y/n) couldn't help but feel off. After an hour or so she lay down on the grass, looking up at the leaves above her.  
"god, it's like we're teenagers again." she smiled slightly and took a swig of her drink, a feeling of nostalgia creeping in.  
"To be fair I don't look much older... Just more tired and like I'm slowly dying or some shit." she said casually, throwing a stick in the river with a slight laugh. They'd been friends since they were about 17. (y/n) supposed that's probably what made it so difficult to stay away from him, he was like an old childhood toy you needed to get rid of because it was rotting and taking up space in your house, but you somehow can't get rid of it through guilt and the sense of familiarity it gives you.   
"it feels like these past few years have gone by so quickly." he murmured. He was silent for a few moments.   
"God I've missed you." she froze. She didn't know what to say. Usually she would get excited over this and throw all caution to the wind to be with him again but this time something was different, like he was the one she wanted. Yet still, there was that familiar pain in her stomach that made her want to be with him.   
"I've missed you too..." she whispered. He reached forward to kiss her and she kissed back, just wanting that hole in heart to be filled but this time it didn't seem to work. He broke the kiss and looked at her.  
"let's go back to your place." Slightly drunk, touch starved and bored, she agreed. 

(y/n) woke up and screwed her face up. Her head felt like it was going to explode and her limbs ached. She looked beside her and frowned at Thomas. She wasn't too bothered having slept with him but she knew that wouldn't be the end of it. She'd have another few months of ups and downs and lies to deal with after this. She stumbled out of bed and put on a shirt. Looking at the clock, she panicked. Her train was due in 35 minutes and she'd only just gotten out of bed. She rushed around getting ready and ran out of her apartment, figuring that she'd call Thomas later to let him know what had happened. 

"Good morning Dr.(l/n)" Scp-049 greeted her with a smile as she walked into his room and flopped down on a chair. He frowned seeing her tired face.   
"Forgive me for asking, but are you quite alright?" she flinched at this and put her hands on her chair so she could leave quickly if needed. Had he sensed "the pestilence" in her or had he just noticed she was in a bad mood.   
"Don't worry Doctor I'm not going to hurt you. I just happened to notice that you don't seem very 'relaxed and refreshed' as you so put it" he continued. She breathed a slight sigh of relief.   
"I'm fine just a little tired." she answed, not really wanted to get into it.   
"Are you sure? Perhaps something didn't go well while you were off?" he began to list off his predictions.  
"Honestly I'm alright." She began to grow a little irritated most likely due to already being in a foul mood.   
"Have you had an argument with someone? Has someone hurt you?"   
"Really I don't want to talk about it"   
"Are you having issues with someone? If it's someone here you know I'll give them a stern talking to."   
"049"   
"Dr.(l/n) you need to be able to trust me if we're to keep working tog-"   
"That is quite enough Scp-049." She snapped. He flinched.  
"I apologise, I've overstepped a boundary"   
"Yes you bloody well have" They sat in an uncomfortable silence for quite some time. She knew she'd been a bit harsh on him, thinking back she winced at how loud she'd been. It had been quite some time since she'd lost her temper quite like that.   
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have snapped like that, I'm just not in the best of moods. You shouldn't have kept pushing me to tell you but I was too harsh and should've controlled my temper. It won't happen again." She apologised. She felt a tremendous amount of guilt but stuck by the fact that he should've stopped when asked. He did have a point though about mutual trust.   
"No need to apologise, I should've been more respectful of your wishes. It was rather uncharacteristic of me to be so rude and for that please accept my deapest apologies." She smiled slightly, he was apologising to her, even when she'd been so caustic.   
"It's fine." after a few moments she continued   
"You were right, if I'm going to expect you to trust me then I have to be more open with you. I let someone into my life again that I shouldn't have."  
"Do you wish to talk about it?" He asked cautiously.   
"I'm alright with talking about it but this is meant to be about you, so I only will if you're okay with it." he nodded and she continued.   
"He was an ex boyfriend of mine. Its been on and off for years. I always promise myself that I won't go back to him but I always do, its probably just because I feel bad rejecting him and there's something that keeps convincing me he'll change. He's cheated a couple of times but I'm scared to bring it up incase I seem needy or jealous. I'm frustrated with myself for not being strong and cutting him off and I'm annoyed at him for doing this again." She stared at the floor and lowered her voice, not wanting to look him in the eye while she spoke.   
"I just feel trapped. He hasn't been that bad but I can't leave and I can't stay. I feel awful for complaining because other people have it so much worse and its not like he's abusive or anything so I just ignore it really. He doesn't mean to upset me I'm just a little bit sensitive I guess." she looked up and 049 and shrugged lightly, trying not to sound too serious or make it seem like a big deal. She could tell that he was way out of his depth, who could blame him, from what she knew he'd barely been in any relationships himself.   
"Forgive me for saying this but you deserve better. You should not have to make excuses for him Dr.(l/n). He should listen to what upsets you and apologise for it." She smiled weakly. It didn't exactly fix anything but it felt nice to get it off her chest.   
"And if he is ever unfaithful to you again then I promise you, he will regret ever being born." he seemed surprisingly angry at this. She could see in his eyes that he meant it.   
"it's okay, I can sort it out myself probably." she knew she was lying, but she didn't care. He nodded and she debated whether or not it was a good time to finally ask him about how he felt after incidents.   
"I know you feel uncomfortable talking about this, and we can work on it over a few weeks if you wish, but we need to talk about the incident with Dr. Hamm" He seemed to shrink when she said this, suddenly looking like he wanted to leave.   
"You said yourself that you need to trust me, and this is about you after all."   
"Alright." he said slowly. She took a deap breath and went to ask him a question but he continued before she could say anything.   
"The reason why I do not wish to talk about it is because it makes me question everything about my work and my purpose. I avoid thinking about the... I avoid thinking about any human beings I have cured because It makes me wonder if I'm doing the right thing. I often doubt whether I was correct in my diagnosis." She was reluctant to say anything as it seemed like he just wanted to get it all out but he didn't continue.   
"How did you feel after Dr. Hamm's death?"   
"He didn't die I just... I cured him. He was sick." He was beginning to grow agitated and she quickly brought his focus back to her question.   
"I know. We'll talk about that later. For now, how did you feel after the incident?" She'd often have to ask a few more questions but she had a feeling he already knew his answer and just had to admit it to himself.  
"Guilty. I felt awful. It had been a while since I'd known any of my patients and although I felt like I was doing the right thing at the time I began to doubt myself. I'm usually immune to such feelings after dealing with a patient but it happens every once in a while. Every few months I wonder if I'm just going mad. I can't... After Dr. Hamm's... His... His death i felt like I was loosing my mind. People were furious and I couldn't understand why. They treated me like deranged lunatic and I started to wonder if they were right. I try so hard to do the right thing but people never understand." She could tell he wasn't used to talking about how he felt and was struggling to put his emotions into words. 

His head lowered and she could hear a muffled whimper coming from him. Was he crying? She couldn't tell but whatever it was, it made her heart break. She couldn't bear for him to be upset for some reason. She shuffled uncomfortable in her chair. Usually she'd be okay with this sort of stuff. She'd always been an empath but she'd always been able to keep her composure until after the session. Her eyes went to his hands on the table in front of them. She scooted forward slightly, sitting at the table properly.  
"can I hold your hand?" she said slowly, wincing at how childish it sounded. She just wanted to comfort him in some way and it was the only way she could think of. He looked at her quietly for a few seconds before nodding. She held the outside of his hand and stroked it gently with her thumb.  
"It must be awful. That much responsibility, perceived or real can be horrendous for anyone to deal with." she knew she should continue it her mind was blank, she just continued to stare into his eyes. God, she'd never realised how blue they were. They almost seemed to glow. He returned her gase and moved his hand so that their fingers laced with one another's. Her breath hitched. She knew shouldn't be doing this but she didn't care. That was, until she saw Dr. Collins glaring at her through the window in the door.

"I can see that you're tired, we can always pick this up at another time" she said pulling her hand away and sitting up straight. 049 nodded.  
"Yes, I am rather drained" he agreed standing up and holding his hands behind his back slightly uncomfortably, aware of Dr. Collins' presence outside of the room.  
"Thank you for today Dr. (l/n). Its been a relief talking about this" she smiled at him and turned to leave.  
"You can call me (y/n)."

"What were you thinking (y/n)?" Steven said as she left 049's room. She didn't bother to stop and talk to him, instead she picked up the pace. He kept calling after her but she continued to ignore him.   
"(y/n) you held his hand!" he said exasperated.  
"So what? It's not the end of the fucking world Steven." she snapped back, not looking at him.   
"That was irresponsible and unprofessional of you. You could've gotten yourself killed."   
"Well he was upset and I tried to comfort him. I assessed the risk and figured he was unlikely to lash out."   
"He's a fucking scp, we don't know if he feels emotions (y/n)." he continued, growing more frustrated with her by the second.   
"Well it certainly seems like he does and at that point in time he seemed rather distressed."  
"You're too considerate of him, he's killed several people (y/n). You seem to be treating him like a fragile object, he's not a misunderstood, damaged loner you can help (y/n), he's barely fucking human." She winced at this. He could be right, what if she couldn't help him. What if this was some sort of facade in hopes she'd help him escape.   
"With all due respect, Dr. Collins, they put me in charge of his case for a reason. And yes, perhaps I am a little too gentle but I'm a psychologist, I'm not used to dealing with dangerous unexplained anomalies."  
"Perhaps you should be moved from the case then, It's not your fault you can't handle thi-" At this point she lost it. She stopped walking and whipped round to talk to him.   
"I may be soft with him and I may not outrank you but I am in charge of this case. This is not a fucking democracy Dr. Collins, I may listen to other people's opinions but I get the final say. I am alright with people questioning my methods and I can take criticism but I will not allow you to question my capabilities." Steven didn't respond. He just stood staring at her. (y/n) took a deap breath and continued walking. 

She reached her office and closed the door behind her. Her back slid down the it and she collapsed into a heap on the ground. She began to cry, her chest heaving with her shakey sobs and her face screwed up in pain. She moved her hand to her mouth to try to muffle her wails but it just made her breathing more uncomfortable and irregular. She wasnt usually like this. The thought back to when she was talking to 049. The way he'd looked at her and how she'd felt when she touched him. It was better than anything she'd felt before. It felt so right but she knew it couldn't be. Steven had been right, she'd acted unprofessionally and irresponsibly but she couldn't help it. She felt so small and so cold, it was freezing in that room yet it must've only been about 70 degrees. It was dark and she was alone and God, it had never felt worse to be alone.


	6. The security room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh so yeah this will be smut so it's fairly short. Its easily skippable but will be referenced later probably but not in much detail. Idk, proceed with causion
> 
> Specific warnings for this chapter (spoilers for the chapter I suppose):  
> Masturbation  
> Accidental voyeurism???  
> Slightly morally questionable stuff I suppose

It had been about a week since (y/n)'s argument with Dr. Collins and she'd been avoiding him at all costs. There was one point where she'd seen him walking towards her in the corridor and had quickly made an excuse to start talking to Dr. Angela Roth, who she hated, just because she was stood nearby and would give her a reason not to talk to him. (y/n) knew she'd have to talk to him eventually but she'd do anything just to delay that by one more day.

Scp-049 shifted in his chair uncomfortably, tapping on his desk in an agitated manner. After a couple on seconds he shot up and marched over to his operating table where a dead cow lay. He set to work again, only half way through the initial embalming process. He made a large insition in the abdomen of the animal and began to puncture its organs with a small scalpal to drain them of gas and fluid. His mind drifted to her. To her soft skin and piercing eyes and how gently she'd stroked his hand. He thought about how her presence calmed him along with her lavender scent. He took a deep breath and continued working in an attempt to ignore those thoughts.

Reaching into his bag, he took out a bottle of embalming fluid and a needle. He filled the syringe with the liquid and tapped it a few times to remove any air bubbles. He knew it didn't make much of a difference but it was a thing of habit. He inserted the needle into one of the cow's organs and began to push down the plunger. He'd seen her in a skirt once or twice. Her legs were smooth and he couldn't help but think about her thighs would look like without the fabric in the way. 

He dropped the needle on the table in frustration. He couldn't think about her that way. He felt like such a creep for it. It had been like this for a couple of days. For some reason he couldn't focus on his work, he just kept thinking of (y/n). He didn't often have these sorts of desires but occasionally they would sneak up on him. He paced around the room in an attempt to calm himself but it didn't work. He let out a sigh and wandered over to the sink to wash his gloves. He removed them and set them down on his desk before setting himself down on his bed. 

(y/n) was about to walk into the break room when she'd seen Dr. Collins through the door making some toast and had quickly moved past. She was walking down the hall when Robert, one of the security personnel had called her into the office. His main job was to clean things and monitor some of the scps. He was basically just a glorified janitor but he'd always been nice to her. He was the kind of old man that randomly treats anyone younger than him like his grandchild. He often spoke about his wife Margaret, who he clearly loved and (y/n) had quickly figured that they had no kids of their own.

"Could you possibly keep an eye on these guys while I take this?" he gestured to the two monitors on his desk and trying to figure out how to answer his phone. She nodded as he thanked her and walked out. She looked around the room and sat down. On the monitor were four camera feeds. One she knew as scp-085 and one was scp-049 but she wasn't able to identify the other two. She smiled slightly at the sight of the doctor as he worked on embalming a cow and opened up her bag. After a bit of rummaging she got out a folder and opened it up. Most of this was reading through letters her coworkers had written about various changes to containment procedures in the facility, most of which didn't concern her, and signing them to confirm that she was aware of it. It was boring work but sometimes it was nice to read about mundane health and safety procedures. It felt insignificant and for a change it wasn't something horrific or terrifying. 

She was halfway through reading about scp-5091 being changed from an elucid class to safe when she heard a noise coming from the monitor. She had barely noticed any other noises coming from it since the only exceptionally active scp was 049 and he was usually quiet when alone so hearing something different seemed odd. It was a sort of soft huffing, perhaps even moaning mixed with heavy breathing and occasional muffled speech. It sounded oddly like 049. She looked up trying to figure out what was going on. He was sat on his bed, his back against the wall with one hand laying beside him and the other holding his cock and slowly moving along it. (y/n) looked away quickly. Had no one told him his cell was being monitored? She knew he engaged in human behaviours but she was unaware that he had those sorts of needs. She also wasn't aware that he had any form of reproductive organs. He was a isolated incident as far as they were aware so it wasn't like he was a species or anything. She decided it was best not to think about it. Instead she got back to work, or at least tried to.

The sounds of skin slapping against skin and his soft moans got louder and then became muffled, most likely due to him covering his mouth. A blush formed across her cheeks and her face began to feel warm. She felt half uncomfortable and half aroused. It felt wrong, not to mention morally ambiguous. It wasn't that it bothered her as such, it's just the fact that her hearing this made her feel like a pervert. She didn't mean to see but she still looked and was still listening. She got up and paced around the room, pausing to look around awkwardly. She could leave but if anything happened Robert would get the blame and it wasn't exactly his fault. Speaking of Robert, did he have to deal with this frequently? Is that why he'd left her to deal with it? She figured that there was probably no way of predicting this and it was merely a coincidence. 

She sat down again and tried to focus on the words in front of her but 049's raspy breaths and groans were distracting to say the least. She hoped he'd probably be done soon. She'd begun to feel a sort of warmth at the bottom of her stomach and clenched her thighs together involuntarily at one point, trying to create some sort of friction to give herself some sort of release but stopped as she remembered that she shouldn't be hearing this at all.  
"oh god... (y/n). " her head shot up and looked at the door when she heard her name, scared someone had walked in and misinterpreted the situation. She soon realised it had come from the monitor. She looked at the screen showing scp-049. Had he said her name?

After a minute or two of lying down, scp-049 got up and looked around uncomfortably. He washed his hands and put his gloves back on. Despite the discomfort he felt after giving in to such desires his head felt clearer and he could focus on his research again. After a minute or two on sitting at his desk and reviewing his notes up until this point, he coughed awkwardly and got back to embalming the bovine cadaver.


	7. Night out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, sorry for the late chapter. Wasn't really up to editing last night. Also, it's quite sort so I apologise for that. The next one will be longer.
> 
> Specific warnings for this chapter:  
> Undetailed references to smut
> 
> That's about it.   
> Anyways, enjoy :)

(y/n) sat in her desk chair, staring out of her apartment window. She knew she should start getting ready for her date but she just couldn't. She was drained and distracted. She felt awful for seeing 049 earlier. It felt so wrong and creepy but she'd sort of enjoyed it. And christ, the way he'd said her name, for she was sure he had, gave her that yearning pain in her chest. What had she gotten herself into? First she'd felt sorry for him and held his hand, now she was developing feelings for him. It was incredibly unprofessional and immoral at any normal psychiatric facility, let alone one where the patients weren't entirely human. And what if he didn't care about her? What if she'd made a mistake? The entire thing just made her feel preditory and horrid. Out of all the morally questionable things this foundation has gotten her involved with, who would've known seeing a scp pleasuring himself would be the straw that broke the camel's back.

After quite some time, (y/n) looked at the clock. Her taxi would be there in 10 minutes. She didn't want to go, she'd wanted to have a night in but Thomas had insisted on going out for their "date night". She figured it would be good to try and take her mind off things. Sighing heavily and dragging herself out of her chair, she grabbed her purse and phone and went to leave her apartment. She looked at herself briefly in the mirror. She looked weary and half dead but knew that wouldn't go away no matter how much makeup she put on or nice clothes she wore. She took a deep breath and left. 

The bar was far too warm inside and smelt slightly of sweat and cheap carpet cleaner. Frowning slightly, she scanned the room for him before spotting him sat in the corner. As she walked over, she noticed two other people sat with him. She knew their friend Rachel would be there but she didn't recognise the other woman. Her heart began to beat faster as she realised his arm was around her. She was about to turn and go when Thomas started waving at her and gesturing for her to come over. She did and sat down opposite them, next to Rachel. Was this normal? Was she just being jealous? Perhaps she was overreacting and this was just a sign of friendly affection she was reading too much into. He introduced them to each other, not mentioning to her that him and (y/n) were together. Apparently her name was Gabby, not that she cared. 

"right I'm off outside for a cigarette. (y/n) are you coming?" Rachel announced rather deliberately. (y/n) nodded, just wanted to get away from the situation for a few minutes. They'd been there for a few hours. At one point Gabby had even snuggled into Thomas, which (y/n) thought was over the top for a regular couple in public. Perhaps it was just the fact that she'd never felt that comfortable in a relationship.

Rachel got up and began to leave and she soon followed. She had a feeling Rachel wanted to talk to her separately, perhaps about Gabby and Thomas. Had something happened before she got there? She thought back and realised that Thomas hadn't once told her they were officially together. Sure he'd told her he loved her but maybe she'd misread the situation. What if they weren't together. God, how could she be so stupid? She'd just assumed they were together... But they were weren't they? She was pulled out of her thoughts by a rather angry voice next to her.   
"I swear to fuck if she fucking giggles at his shitty jokes one more time then I will personally make sure it will be the last time she ever laughs again." (y/n) chuckled a little and considered bringing up her and Thomas. She hadn't yet told Rachel they were together again, knowing she wouldn't be happy with her at all.   
"Do you immediately associate putting your arms around someone as a romantic gesture or something like that?"   
"putting your arms around someone in what way?" Rachel replied, her brow furrowing   
"In that way" she replied gesturing back to Thomas at the table.   
"why?" (Y/n) didn't answer at first and looked away, shrugging.   
"oh god, you haven't gotten back with him again? Jesus (y/n) you know he's a dick. I can barely stand to be around him, I've been wanting to leave this whole evening"   
"if you can't stand him that much why did you agree to come?"   
"because you invited me not him" (y/n) frowned and pushed the door open, breathing a sigh of relief as the cool air hit her. 

"You've got to break up with him"   
"I'm not entirely sure were actually together..." she muttered, trailing off slightly at the end before lightning a cigarette and handing her lighter to Rachel.   
"What do you mean not sure if you're actually together?" She blurted, her face alarmed and her eyes wide.   
"I don't know... He just never said we were officially together. We just had a fling one night and I left before we could talk about it. I assumed we were together because he kept messaging me that he loved me and stuff."   
"He claims he loves you and then he goes and pulls that shit? What's wrong with him?" Rachel spat, disgusted. Shrugging, she looked above her at the night sky and leaned against the wall behind her.   
"I don't know how to reject him, and besides I have such little respect for myself that I'm not sure I care if he treats me like shit."   
"you should do... You deserve way better than him. I don't think I can even look at him again this evening." (y/n) snorted   
"it would be kind of uncomfortable wouldn't it, to just sit back down after talking about him"   
"this entire evening has been uncomfortable, I'm not sure how you managed not to say anything"   
"well, you know, you get weirdly used to it" she replied, chuckling bitterly. After a few minutes of standing there and taking in the fresh, cool air, she groaned a little and pushed herself off the wall.   
"I'm off home. I can't be arsed to deal with him tonight"   
"You will talk to him about it eventually though?" Rachel questioned. She paused for a second  
"yeah, I will at some point" she lied.   
"I'm going to get off too. Should we just leave them there?" she asked, getting her phone out to call a taxi.   
"yeah, I'll message him and hopefully he won't see it until later"


	8. An apology and a fight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, another short chapter sorry. I hope you guys don't mind the short chapters lately. I'm considering going on a short hiatus (a week or two) to get some inspiration since I haven't had much motivation lately. Anyways hope you enjoy :)

Dr. Collins frowned as she entered his office. His stern expression made her heart beat faster and her limbs feel numb but she knew she had to talk to him. It had been a difficult few days. She hadn't been able to stop thinking about 049 and how she'd felt when he'd said her name. She had tried to ignore those thoughts as she didn't want to deal with them but they kept creeping up on her.  
"Dr.(l/n), what can i help you with?" he said dryly. She hated it when he was like this. In fairness, it was her fault this time but still, she was used to him never being serious and always making jokes.  
"I've come to apologise for my actions last week. It was unprofessional and rude for me to act in such away and I'm hoping you can forgive me and we can continue to work together." she replied with fake confidence. She hoped he hadn't detected the slight wobble in her voice.  
"You are forgiven. Just please be more careful in future. I'm sorry I questioned your abilities." she mumbled a quick "It's fine." in response before asking to take a seat. Despite the fact that she'd apologised and got the initial awkwardness out of the way she couldn't fully relax in her seat.  
"something's bothering you isn't it?"  
"ah, it's alright. Just personal stuff with Thomas." He was a close enough friend to understand her past issues with her boyfriend. Speaking of which, she'd never confronted him about the Gabby situation. She figured they could just ignore it and things would go back to semi normal. At this point she was just used to it.  
"That guy again?" she nodded and he sighed.  
"Is that why you've been so irritable lately."  
"I haven't been that bad." she retorted semi playfully. He laughed a little and shifted in his chair.  
"I meant to ask you, have you mentioned the d-class test subjects to 049?" she'd completely forgotten about it. She supposed it was because a lot had happened in between when it was brought up and now.  
"shit, no I haven't. I'll bring it up in today's interview." he rolled his eyes at her forgetfulness.  
"Come see me about it afterwards. I'm imagining you'll want someone to talk to." and he was right.

(y/n) stopped before entering the room. She hadn't spoken to 049 since the incident in the security room. She knew he had no way of knowing she'd seen but she still felt uncomfortable. She closed her eyes, counted to 3 and entered the room.  
"Good morning 049. I've got some good news for you." she announced, trying not to seem upset while she said it. He could sense the discomfort in her voice and looked at her cautiously.   
"Because of your complience and good behaviour, the foundation is holding a meeting to decide whether or not you should be allowed to experiment on D-class subjects again." she declared stoically, staring at the wall behind him and avoiding eye contact. The way he perked up when she said this made her feel sick and lightheaded.  
"That is excellent news. I'm relieved that the foundation has finally realised the importance of my work and how imperitive human test subjects are to my experiments." he beamed, standing up to walk over to her.  
"I... Okay, um I'll... I'll be sure to let them know that you'd like that." she stammered, the confidence she'd had previously dissolving and her voice cracking slightly as she spoke. 049 stopped dead in his tracks and frowned.  
"Why, whatever is the matter? Have I done something wrong?" Shaking her head, she took a deap breath to calm herself.  
"No, you haven't. I'm just... I just feel uncomfortable about the idea of human experimentation. It just seems cruel and i- look I'm sorry. I don't want to offend you."  
"No, no. It's fine miss (y/n). I understand your concerns but I assure you, I won't be experimenting on any d-classes untouched by the pestilence." He smiled softly in an attempt to comfort her.  
"How do I know this pestilence exists? You haven't provided any proof of it! You refuse to give us the symptoms and it seems only you can detect it." he flinched and the smile quickly faded from his face.  
"I'll have you know that the pestilence is very much real and a pernicious threat to humanity. I thought that by now you'd understand this." He retorted, shocked.  
"How do I know that? What is it? Why is it so important?" She spluttered exasperated.  
"I'm trying to help you and I want to understand you but I won't let people die for no reason"  
"They are not dying for no reason. These people are contaminated with the pestilence. Without my help they will go on to infect others like them and harm those around them. Do you want that? I am saving them from themselves yet you are ignorant enough to dismiss my work just because you don't understand." He spat back.  
"Then help me to understand!" (y/n) cried.  
"I care about you more than I should and I can't help it. I don't want you to be mad, I want this bloody thing to be real so I can help you. I don't want you to be wicked or malicious. I think you're trying to help us but I can't sacrifice my morals to help if I'm not sure you're right!" she shouted, her eyes watery and her voice hoarse from holding back tears. 049 didn't respond at first. They stood there quietly for a few minutes, the only noise being (y/n)'s uneven breaths. He was unsure what to say. He wanted so desperately for her to like him but he couldn't stop his work for that. He hated seeing her like this. All he wanted was for her to be happy, to hold her in his arms and tell her that it was going to be okay. The world was awful, this place was awful and she deserved better but he couldn't give it to her.  
"When is the meeting?" he said quietly.   
"Monday."   
"I'll think about it." She sighed in relief and thanked him quietly before turning to leave. 

"What the fuck am I doing?" (y/n) muttered, sitting on her couch and staring at the ceiling. Rubbing her tired eyes, she wandered through to the kitchen. 

He might give up human test subjects for her. 

She opened her cupboard and got a small glass out. 

That must mean he really cares about her right?

She set the glass down on the counter before grabbing a bottle of vodka. 

He said he wouldn't do anything she didn't want him to. 

She poured herself a glass and downed it. She often drank when she was stressed. She knew it wasn't healthy but it wasn't "bad enough" to class as a problem so she ignored it. The psychologist part of her brain knew she should deal with her underlying issues before it did become a problem, but the other part of her brain said that as long as its a socially acceptable amount, there's no issue. 

The way she felt when she was around him. 

Pouring another glass, she leaned against the kitchen counter and took a sip, frowning slightly. 

His voice. 

She grabbed the bottle and her glass before going out onto the balcony and setting them down on the table. 

His eyes. 

She shifted in her chair, uncomfortable with the way the thought of him made her feel. She was familiar with this feeling, yet it had never felt this right. 

His bizzare yet comforting scent of roses, cloves and myrrh. 

She pinched the bridge of her nose and screwed her eyes up. She knew it was unprofessional and insane but he was so intelligent and well spoken and polite. He made her smile with his weird jokes and kind words. She finished her drink and poured herself a third. She felt warm and slightly tipsy already, mostly due to not eating much that day. 

The way he'd said her name.

"have you got an interview with 049 today" Steven asked (y/n).   
"no, It's mostly just a report writing day for me." she replied quietly, her mind racing as he sat down on the bench beside her.   
"How did it go yesterday?" by the look in her eyes he already knew the answer.   
"ah. What happened?" he asked.   
"Well, the good news is that he might not accept the offer. The bad news is that we had a bit of an argument." she said, taking out a cigarette and lighting it. She looked around the outdoor area and thought back to when she'd first brought 049 here.   
"what about?"   
"Mostly about the pestilence and the fact that I disagree with human testing. He agreed to have a think about it."  
"that a better response than most people have got from him." Steven muttered, staring at the floor.   
"true..." she said, her eyes vacant as she stared at the wall opposite her. She didn't speak for a few minutes. She was beginning to sympathise with 049. It felt wrong but she wanted to help him. He seemed so desperate sometimes and she just wanted him to be okay.  
She began to shake slightly.  
"Steven I'm scared" he looked up at her and frowned.   
"what are you scared o-"  
"I'm afraid I'm going mad" she interrupted with a single breathy laugh. She didn't look at him, she couldn't. She just stared off into the distance. She pulled her quivering hand to her mouth and took a shakey drag on her cigarette.  
"I'm sure you're not." he reassured her.  
"I just... I feel awful. He's trying his best to help and is obviously under a lot of pressure but we do nothing to help." He didn't reply for a minute. He opened his mouth to speak a few times but couldn't find the right words to say.  
"You can always be moved to a different case."  
"No... no it's fine." she replied a little too quickly.  
"I'll probably be alright in a few days, it's just a little blip." she murmered, knowing it wasn't true.

It felt like she'd sleepwalked home. She couldn't recall her journey at all. Lying on her kitchen floor on her side, she tucked her legs up to her chest and lay her hands beside her. She'd gotten home early due to not having too much work to do. The sky was cloudy and the sun had just set. The light had a strange blueish grey quality to it that seemed to suck the colour out of everything it touched. She felt so tired and so small and cold. She just wanted to be around him, to look into his eyes and feel his warmth. Her chest aching and her limbs numb, she screwed her face up as if to cry and whined in frustration. The agony she felt in her chest made her want to sob but for some reason, no tears came.


	9. Authors note

Hello there, Ced here  
I apologise profusely for abandoning this. College has been kicking my ass lately and I lost interest in writing like I always do. I revisited this fic after getting an email about kudos I got on it. After reading the description and the first chapter, I surprisingly didn't despise it. In fact it gave me motivation to try updating it. I understand many people reading this will have assumed it was completely abandoned and have forgotten about it, but if you're still around, thank you. It means a lot really.   
As I said, college has been kind of shitty so I might not update frequently but I'm going to read through it, come up with some ideas, spend some quality daydreaming time thinking about it and try and write more chapters.   
Sorry for the large paragraph. I may add a shorter version of this onto my notes for the next chapter and delete this, so if it goes missing don't worry, I haven't changed my mind.  
Anyways apologies for the wait,   
Ced


End file.
